I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
