Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
