words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
