I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
