you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
