I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
