College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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