Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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