I cannot find my penis.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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