Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
