I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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