i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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