Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
