You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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