Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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