we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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