Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
