well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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