Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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