The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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