That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize