i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
