I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
