I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
