Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
