I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
