hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
