My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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