who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
