Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
