Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
