My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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