I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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