Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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