Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We are two peas in an std pod
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
