and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
