Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I faked an abortion last night.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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