my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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