who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
