i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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