you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
