i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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