I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
