you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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