okay pat passed out under dana's car
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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