Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The air was thick with penises
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
