first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
