I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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