ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
