Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
