Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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