If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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