Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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